Real things overheard at a modern art exhibit — imagined responses.

I could do that.

No, no you couldn’t. “That” is a giant metal sculpture that probably took a team of expert welders to create. I hate to assume, but you sir do not look like an expert welder. Nor do you look like someone who has a team of expert welders at his beck and call.  Therefore, I seriously doubt that you could “do that.”

It looks like a penis.

Maybe you’re some sort of perverted weirdo who just sees penises everywhere. Or maybe, it is, in fact, supposed to appear phallic.

It looks like a vagina. 

Maybe you’re some sort of perverted weirdo who just sees vaginas everywhere. Or, maybe its a Georgia O’Keeffe.

That one looks like a vagina — I bet it’s a Georgia O’Keeffe.  

To be fair, many other artists also incorporate the female form into their works. But, okay, odds are high.

Do they have food here?

Very likely, but it’s going to be around $12 for a coffee and upwards of $20 for a very small artisan looking sandwich. I guess it goes to supporting the arts.

My gooddness, she is getting way too close to that painting.

This is usually pronounced by an elderly matron with no patience for snapchat users. The comment is always directed a snapchat user who is not aware of the line on the ground marking off the distance at which viewers must stand away from the art work.

Ma’am, back away from the painting.

This is usually pronounced by a stressed out guard who harbors a lot of resentment towards snapchat users because they pull this shit on him/her all the time. The comment is naturally directed at that same snapchat user who still is not aware of that line on the ground.

Which filter should I use?

This is usually pronounced by the above referenced snapchat user who has saved a snap of themselves standing way to close to that multi-million dollar work of art with the intention of re-purposing it Instagram. Not only will the photo now be redundant to overlapping Snapchat and Instagram followers, but they are about put a X-Pro II filter on top of multi-million dollar artistic masterpiece.

Ma’am, don’t sit on the art.

This is an honest mistake and can happen to anyone.

It looks like he did this one drunk. 

It is quite possible.

I don’t get it.

Thank god it’s not just me.